10 Bands You Won’t Be Seeing At Dirt Fest 2014
While we get closer to announcing the Dirt Fest 2014 on April 11, let’s take a look at some bands we can guarantee will NOT be playing this year…
If you were planning to hear some songs that remind you of the best times and some songs that remind you of the better times, you might be out of luck. Unfortunately, you’re gonna have to plan to piss the night away somewhere else. Don’t fret though, I’m sure one day you’ll be able to get your royal Tub Thump on somewhere. Hang in there, Danny Boy.
Hey, just cuz Dirt Fest is hosted by Banana 101.5 doesn’t mean you need to get your hopes up to see these gals any time soon. It’ll be a Cruel Summer without them, I know… (what, you expected me to do a Venus pun? Sorry, too easy.)
#8 The Jonas Brothers
We know how much you REALLY wanted to see these guys rock it out up there, and we tried to book them. WE REALLY, REALLY DID. But it just ain’t happening’ this year, my friend. But don’t worry, Dirt Fest 2014 will still be burnin’ up for you, baby.
#7 The Black Eyed Peas
I got a feelin’… That Dirt Fest 2014 is gonna be without Fergie & Company this time around. Imma be honest, I don’t think there’s a soul in the known universe who really wants to see them live after that Superbowl train wreck. Remember that time you heard a Black Eyed Peas song and said to yourself “Oh yeah, I mean, it’s not MY thing, but I can see how other people might like it…”?
Yeah, me neither.
At first you were like… “Wait. Who???” And then you were like “OH YEAH, THAT ‘CLOSING TIME’ BAND!” Don’t worry, we wouldn’t make you sit through an entire day of awesome bands just to hear THAT song close out the night. And seriously, that song was NOT by Third Eye Blind.
#5 The Wiggles
Just kidding. The Wiggles are TOTALLY playing at Dirt Fest. Deal with it.
#4 Lynyrd Skynyrd
Let’s face it, some asshole (probably you) is gonna scream out “FREEBIRD” at some point, and we’d rather save our boys the embarrassment. Thanks for ruining it for everybody, Turd Burglar.
#3 Twisted Sister
We’re pretty open minded at Dirt Fest. Hell, we even let Falling In Reverse play in 2012, but there’s GOTTA be a line. The Dalton grandparents come to Dirt Fest every year just to see what their crazy grandkids are up to. And even though Dee Snider is basically the same age as them and has hopefully traded in the hair teaser for a pacemaker, I’m still fairly certain I’d get the “really, Matthew?” look from my Grandma. And I just don’t need that in my life, ok? Thanks for understanding.
#2 Hot Chelle Rae
This is that band that you didn’t even know their name, you don’t know where they came from but you’re glad they disappeared as quickly as they arrived. Somehow you managed to push it out of your head that they had that song a couple years ago that you just couldn’t avoid no matter how hard you tried. It was playing in the grocery store, it was playing on tv commercials, it was somehow playing through the f%*#ing vents in your house… Tonight, tonight there’s a party on the rooftop on top of the DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!
Sorry to dig up bad memories. You did SUCH a great job blocking them out of your life forever. This is just confirmation that you won’t be seeing it or hearing it at our show
#1 Motley Crue
For whatever reason, these yahoos decided to book their farewell tour in Michigan on the same day as Dirt Fest. Not sure why cuz we would have totally given them VIP passes to our show so they could hang out and watch an entire day of AWESOME BANDS AMIRIGHT??!?! Have fun rocking out til the break o’ dusk, felläs.
But if you already have tickets to their show, why not start your day early and catch a few bands at Dirt Fest too?